I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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