I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
