I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it ðŸ˜
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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