So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
