Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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