OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
