you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
