woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
