I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Randomize
