he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
Randomize
