I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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