I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
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