I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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