on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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