i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
