I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
jump out the window naked night went bad
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