we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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