I just saw a hot homeless man
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
