shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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