Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
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