So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
