Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
