dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
