You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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