3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
