Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
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