If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Randomize
