Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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