Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Randomize
