when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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