Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Randomize
