listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
