are you still at the devil's house?
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
