I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
