I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
