My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
