The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
