I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Randomize