My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
It was confusing and full of hummus
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
