I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
i think my cat just said my name.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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