there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
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