Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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