I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
