final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
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