Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
