how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Randomize
