so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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