My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
