dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
