Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
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